Every February, the world turns red and pink. Everywhere you turn, “Love is in the air”. Stores fill with heart-shaped boxes and oversized cards. Social media floods with couples’ photos and romantic declarations. And for those of us who have lost someone to suicide, that familiar heaviness begins to settle in well before February 14th ever arrives.
I know this feeling. After losing my son John in 2009, I quickly learned that holidays do not pause for grief. Valentine’s Day in particular has a way of making absence feel louder. It is one of those “Hallmark holidays” where the buildup is impossible to escape: in stores, in conversations, and now more than ever, on every screen we look at. For those of us carrying suicide loss, that relentless noise can make this feel less like a day on the calendar and more like a day to survive.
Whether you lost a partner, a child, a parent, a sibling, or a dear friend, you already know what I mean. This holiday has a way of reaching right into the wound and causing additional pain. A piece I keep coming back to, Love, Loss and Valentine’s Day, captures something I hear echoed in our support group every year: that February 14th is one of the hardest markers on the grief calendar for our community.
Here is what I want you to know before you read any further: there is no right way to navigate this day. Your grief is yours. Your relationship with the person you lost was unique and precious, and how you choose to honor both that relationship and your own needs matters far more than any societal expectation.
Before the Day Arrives: Give Yourself Permission to Prepare
Some of us find that having a plan helps. Others prefer to wait and see how they feel as the day approaches. We have seen both approaches work well over our years of facilitating SOS Madison, and we want you to know that whichever way you lean, it is valid.
If planning helps you, take some time to think about what would feel most supportive.
- Do you want to be around people, or do you need solitude?
- Is there a place that holds meaning for you?
- Would it help to have a quiet “escape plan” if you find yourself needing to step away from a situation?
One of the most important things we can do in the days leading up is limit our exposure to things that upset our emotions. Skip the card aisle at the store. Let a trusted friend know you need some breathing room from Valentine’s talk. Take a complete break from places that amplify the holiday.
And please, take a hard look at your social media use. Social media can be particularly brutal during this time. The curated images of perfect celebrations, the romantic posts, happy families, the endless holiday reminders. All of it can intensify feelings of isolation and grief in ways that creep up on you before you realize what is happening. Consider taking a real break from social media in the days before and on Valentine’s Day itself. Temporarily mute accounts, turn off notifications, or delete apps from your phone for a few days. Protecting your emotional space is not avoidance. It is self-preservation. You can always reconnect when you are ready.
Your Love Was Real, And It Was Enough
On a day so centered on love, many of us find ourselves drowning in painful questions.
- Why wasn’t my love enough to save them?
- Could I have done more?
- Did they know how much I loved them?
We hear these questions in our support group almost every February. They are heartbreakingly common among suicide loss survivors, and they can be crushing on a day when love is everywhere you look. One of the most honest pieces I have encountered on this topic is Love’s Limits: Grief and Mental Illness from the Alliance of Hope, and I return to it often because the guilt attached to this question is one of the heaviest things we carry.
Here is an important fact: people die by suicide because of an internal mental health struggle. Not because of a lack of love. We do not blame ourselves when someone we love dies of a heart attack. We understand that love cannot stop the physical failure of a heart. The same is true for suicide. Love cannot stop the crisis happening inside a suffering brain. This is not a failure on your part. It is the tragic reality of mental health issues.
Your love mattered. It always mattered. As the Alliance of Hope writes in Bearing Witness to the Love, the love that existed in your relationship was real and it was significant. Suicide is not a choice between your love and death. It is the result of a brain in crisis, unable to see past the pain. You did not fail them by loving them. The illness that took them was simply stronger than anything you or they could control in that moment.
If you find yourself sitting with this guilt, please take some time with They Were Loved and Love and Suicide by Fr. Charles Rubey. Both offer an honest, compassionate look at the relationship between love and the devastating reality of suicide loss.
Ways to Remember and Honor Your Person
Many of us find real comfort in creating our own rituals of remembrance. They do not need to be elaborate or match anyone else’s idea of what is appropriate. What matters is what feels meaningful to you.
For a full list of ideas, I recommend 28 Ways to Remember a Loved One on Valentine’s Day. Here are some that resonate most with our community:
- Light a candle in their memory and sit quietly with your thoughts about them.
- Write them a letter. Tell them what you wish you could say, what you miss, what you are angry about, what you are grateful for. You do not need to share it with anyone.
- Do something they loved. Watch their favorite movie, listen to their music, make their favorite meal, or visit a place that was special to them.
- Make a donation or perform an act of kindness in their name.
- Look through photos or mementos, allowing yourself to remember both the joy and the pain.
- Connect with others who knew and loved them. Share memories, cry together, laugh about old stories.
You can honor them without forcing yourself into anything that feels wrong or painful. Sometimes the most meaningful tribute is simply allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel. Don’t let “well meaning” people push you to do things that don’t feel right for you.
What To Do on the Day Itself
For some helpful perspectives from grief professionals, both How to Survive Valentine’s Day Grief and Coping with Grief on Valentine’s Day offer practical frameworks worth reading. But here is what I keep coming back to for our specific community:
Remember: it is only 24 hours. If you sleep in late and go to bed early, you cut down on the number of hours you have to face. That sounds simple, but on the hardest days, simple is exactly what we need.
There is no prescription for how to spend February 14th. Some of us need to stay busy. Others need solitude. Some want to lean into the grief. Others need distraction. Trust yourself to know what you need, and give yourself permission to change your mind as the day unfolds. It might just be a day to buy yourself some candy and eat the whole box. That is completely allowed.
If old traditions feel too painful, create new ones. You have full permission to build entirely new traditions that feel more manageable. Maybe instead of going to the restaurant you always went to together, you try a completely different cuisine. Maybe you spend the evening volunteering, taking a long walk, or doing something you have always wanted to try. Creating new traditions is not about forgetting your person or replacing them. It is about finding a way to survive this day while still honoring your grief.
Reach out to people who get it. Valentine’s Day can actually be a meaningful time to connect with friends or others who can offer real emotional support. Being with people who understand your grief, who allow you to be exactly where you are without judgment, can be deeply comforting. This might mean spending time with other suicide loss survivors, calling a friend who knew your person, or simply being with someone who makes you feel less alone. You do not have to explain yourself. You do not have to perform fake happiness. Sometimes just having another person nearby, sharing a meal or watching a movie together, is enough. A phone call or a Zoom call might be all it takes to lighten the day.
If you are dreading the evening specifically, having a concrete plan helps.
- Arrange to call someone at a set time.
- Choose a movie to watch in advance.
- Have a puzzle ready.
- Give yourself permission to go to bed early.
All of these are legitimate acts of self-care.
And remember: you do not owe anyone a performance of being okay. If someone asks about your Valentine’s Day plans and you do not want to get into it, a simple “I am keeping it low-key” is more than enough.
The Loneliness Is Real, And You Are Not Alone In It
The loneliness that comes with suicide loss grief can feel especially overwhelming on a day so focused on connection. As the team at What’s Your Grief captures well in Grief and Valentine’s Day, this loneliness is not just about missing your person, though that is certainly part of it. It is also about carrying a grief that most people around you simply do not understand.
For more on navigating that isolation, Coping with Grief on Valentine’s Day: How to honor your loved one and care for yourself on this holiday for lovers is worth spending time with.
You are not alone, even when every part of you feels alone. The pain you are carrying is shared by many others who understand the specific gravity of suicide loss. Reaching out, whether to support group members, a trusted friend, or a therapist, is not a sign of weakness. It is one of the bravest things a survivor can do. And you can always call or text 988 any time of day or night to talk with a supportive volunteer.
Be gentle with yourself about complicated feelings. You might feel angry at your person. You might feel angry at couples around you. You might feel numb, or feel everything at once. You may feel like crying, or you may not be able to cry at all. All of these are normal responses to an overwhelming loss. There is no wrong way to grieve today.
Permission to Take Care of Yourself
Grief does not follow a timeline. It does not pause for holidays or calendars. You do not need to be “over it” by now. You do not need to participate in Valentine’s Day traditions if they feel painful. You do not need to put anyone else’s comfort ahead of your own healing.
What you need is to honor both your love for the person you lost and your own need to survive, and eventually, to find moments of peace again. Those two things are not in conflict with each other. Taking care of yourself is not a betrayal of your person or your grief. It is what they would have wanted for you.
If this Valentine’s Day feels impossible, know this: you have survived other impossible days. You are stronger than you know, even when you do not feel strong at all. You are allowed to do whatever you need to do to get through this day.
And February 15th will come. The decorations will come down. The constant reminders will fade. You will have made it through another difficult marker on this journey that none of us chose.
You are not alone in your grief.
Other Posts You May Also Like
- Physics = Love: Continuing Bonds After Suicide Loss. A reflection on how the love we shared with our person does not disappear after loss, it simply changes form.
- New Year’s Eve After Suicide Loss: A Survivor’s Guide to Coping. Practical guidance for surviving another “Hallmark holiday” when the pressure to celebrate feels impossible to bear.
- Finding Your Way Through the Holidays: A Guide for Survivors of Suicide Loss. A broader guide to navigating the entire holiday season when grief and cultural expectations of celebration are in direct conflict.
- Roadblocks to Healing After a Suicide Loss. An honest look at the things that can get in the way of our healing journey, including guilt, unanswered questions, and isolation.
- Finding Your Way Through: Understanding the Journey of Healing After Suicide Loss. A compassionate overview of what healing after suicide loss actually looks like, and why it rarely follows a straight path.
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