When you lose someone to suicide it often feels like time has frozen. The days and weeks right after the death of a loved one often turn into a continuum of blurry moments. Even fifteen years later, my wife and I will discuss events that happened in those early days and one or the other of us will not remember certain events that happened. The shock of the loss in some ways protects us from the reality around us. Time freezes and we stop moving forward in what was our old ‘regular” life. Time freezes and allows us to stop and think about our lives and where we are heading.
Many survivors often define time as the time before the suicide and the time after the suicide. Gone are the other major landmarks in our lives, life is now defined by that one tragic moment in time. Many survivors can tell you exactly where they were when they first heard of their loved ones’ death. For those that discovered their loved ones after their death, that moment in time is often seared into their hearts and brains. It is so easy to get frozen in time.
So many of us wish that we could turn back time or walk into a time machine to go back and talk with ( or even save) our loved ones before their suicide. Part of the healing process is accepting that what has happened in the past can not be changed. We can still talk with our loved ones, in fact many folks do. It is just that the answers come from your heart and not from their lips.
Most survivors don’t even realize when time has become unfrozen around them. Even though our hearts and emotions have frozen, the world around us has not. The seasons have continued to come and go. The mortgage still needs to be paid on time. Life has continued to move on around us while we were frozen emotionally.
One of the big steps in healing is when you begin to think about the future again. Sure it is painful without your loved one not being there with you, but you slowly start to make plans for your future. People will push you, people will say things that can hurt you like “it time for you to move on”. Only you know when it is time for you to start to look at the road in front of you and decide what you want to do with your time.
“Time takes time” Healing does come with time, but it requires work. You can not hide from grief just like you can not hide from the days moving forward. The sooner you allow yourself to heal, the sooner you can start to regain your time back. Take your time to find yourself and what you want to do with the time in front of you.
Other Posts You May Also Like
Time After Loss: Finding Your Way Forward — When you’re ready to think about the time ahead of you, this post explores how to navigate the weeks and months forward after loss.
Hindsight Bias: Healing the Pain of “Could Have Known” After Suicide Loss — The desire to turn back time often comes with self-blame. Understanding hindsight bias can help release the guilt that keeps us frozen in the past.
Understanding Grief — Learn about the phases of grief, including the acute shock phase where time often feels frozen, and how grief evolves over months and years.
Insight from a Fortune Cookie — Moving from being trapped in the past to believing a future is possible, and how that shift happens gradually.
The Road to Healing: Finding Your Path Forward — When time begins to unfreeze, understanding that the road ahead is yours to shape, even when it feels uncertain.
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